disconnect me

♣ HaPpY hAlLoWeEn

Monday, 31 October 2011 || 19:28

i can't see the stars
livin here anymore
let's go to a place where the outlines are clear
bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i pushed you down into my soul for too long
i fell through the cracks at the end of our street
let's go to the beach

get the sand through our feet
bring on the wonder
bring on the song

~ song that tells what i feel

from an episode of bones

the cutest little kiddies in their halloween costume came over to trickortreat just then :)

and yes . happy halloween y'all

just came home like five minutes ago

finished running and i feel a little bit better - freezing cold , drained out of energy and everything kills . just the way i like it . couldn't feel better :)

think i have a cold now but meh . couldn't care less

trying not to care about things or to think about anything

running on hte road and the adrenaline of the cars rushing so fast next to me . i'm not scared of them . or crashing at all . makes me feel alive .

and i guess it's working .
stuffed my other ankle and my hip screwed again . it's keeping me up and alright ? ironic right . that pain drives me and spurs me on :/

it keeps me alive . and sane

was running back and i was thinking about everything and i just started bawling my eyes out .

i never realised how i took things for granted and how things were like without thethings i had . and the fight i had .

i realised how i didn't trust anyone anymore and how i always hold back , scared of what people would say or think . scared of being hurt again .

and loosing the ones i had trusted everything with . scared of people hurt .

and relapsing .

i'm sorry for not trusting . everyone . all of you guys . or seeming ever so distant or not hte same as i used to be .

i'm sorry for not talking to some of you guys anymore or never making the effort and never thanking you for helping me through the toughest of times .

and for not seeing where some of you guys thought and how you were only mad at me to protect me from getting myself hurt . yet again

i'm sorry for anything bad i ever said to or about you guys . who knows . i'm crazy stupid i dont even know WHAT i say .

and for today . thank you brandon and jin for being there and just cheering me on . you guys know why . and what you did . thank you so much for everything <3

must have looked like a mess when i ran past david , donna, verity and olivia

flying past blubbering andwhat not . nevertheless they said hi and had a quick chitchat

got to say it was pretty funny what cheered me up .

some crazy young guy in his guy was hooting and hollering and making his car horn go insane .

made me laugh my ass off :)

using my school portal to blog these posts . **fingers crossed they work properly**

guessed you guys realised i haven't had the greatest day in the world

i swear my fuse it getting shorter . i really need to figure stuff out and get some sleep . i'm sorry

my head's killing me so badly .

guys . sorry for seeming crabby and peeving [see using different words so my 'email' isn't blocked] these days .

just need to figure some stuff out in my head - iono mentally and what not .

i don't know if i want help . i hate telling people and i don't want to make them worry . after i told them i was cool .

iono i'll see .

so i'm righting my short story and it's putting a perspective on things

my topic is on the ignorant judgement that society and others place on certain people based purely on material possessions and perceived perceptions .

i guessed that write maria synder was right when she said that we always put some of ourselves or some experiences , from us or our loved ones into our writing .

anyway . back on topic . it made me realise a lot of things and how i should appreciate life :)

and everything i had . and all those people that i have in my life that i shouldn't take for granted ~

thank you guys for always being there and sticking up for me throughthick and thin .

and for beliving in me . and that it'd work

i love you guys <3

lawrence hun . i never got to answer you this afternoon .

but . i'm alright right now :) you know my up nad down moods .

but just pray for me . and to be wise about everything that will happen and whati should do .

i'll come find you on wednesday . like last week without me running away .

come slightly earlier ?

and i forgot .

everyone check out samsam's blog . added the link in . FINALLY .

and read ancient heart :)

perhaps the best piece os writing ihave ever read .

and if youdon't understand the metaphor - do ask :)

i don't think you'll be reading this . i doubt you will .

want to or even try . after everything you said and yelled at me this afternoon.

but if you are .

i told you everything .

you can keep being angry . but i'm too tired .

i never back from a fight . but this is . i am .

i should have trusted you and i'm trying to .

i'm sorry for that .

but i need to take it step my step .

i'm not a miracle worker . as much as i'd love to be . and probably you'd love me to be .

it's time for you to trust me .

the next step is up to you .

i have no control . no say .

i can't change what you want or decide . or even the way you feel .

you can tell me that i make everything about me .

i don't .

i don't care about me .

this is the only thing i'm fighting for now . fighting .

because it means something . everything to me .

i'm never letting something go without a decent fight .

because someone close to me once did just that . and he took a leap . a chance . and got what he wanted .

that's all i've got to say .

the rest is up to you .

i hope you'll call later and we can talk it through . fix this . answer all the questions .

i want a full night's of sleep for once . instead of these thoughts in my mind .

i want to fix this

'i want to stop treading water . i want to SWIM .'

if you don't care like i don't care
then everybody put your index finger up in the air



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